Lists and A Fond Memory

My best friend recently introduced me to an awesome new webbie, called listography.com. It's basically a site where you can make lists. It's so cool because I do keep lists... In fact, I have a book of lists: list of books I want to collect in the long term, list of movies I want to own, list of furniture I'd like for my future house... More importantly, I have a list of all the things I love about my ex as well as, err... embarrassingly, a list of some guys that I've had crushes on. Well, I guess I could say it's these lists that are the entire inspiration for this blog. I wanted to have a place to expand on the stories that some of the points in my list represent. I mean, the points on the list don't exactly tell the entire story... they just sort of act as retrieval cues for those memories that I wish to keep forever. I guess you could say that I'm sorta afraid I would forget these beautiful memories... Hmmmm, come to think about it, I often fear I may never make such beautiful memories again. So it's good to sometimes remind myself that I once experienced such wonderful times in my life...? Sigh...

Anyhow, I will soon make an account on listography and transfer my lists in my book into listography.com. So, you can look out for that! Well, today, without looking at my book, I was just pondering, off-hand, some of the things that I loved about my ex. Two things came to mind.

The first one. I loved how he always put most of his beansprouts in his noodle soup into my noodle soup whenever we went to Asian restaurants for noodle soup. He did it ever since I once told him how much I loved eating beansprouts. I think I should add that he too loves beansprouts in his noodle soup... and that's enough said.

The second one. We were lying in bed one night, talking, before we finally drifted off to sleep... I was gushing  about how I was having a sudden craving for the wanton suppe that they sell in my hometown. (This was during the time when we were both studying and staying in the hostel of our school in Switzerland... It was where we met.) Fast forward to two weeks later... I was hanging out in my friend's room - Rosie's room. Some of us girls from my class were having a mini party because it was Rosie's birthday. We were chatting, having some cake, playing with balloons, sitting on her bed, drinking some red wine when suddenly, there was a knock on the door...

image source: http://dearoly.blogspot.com/

When they opened the door, it was Jack! He had a serious look on his face and he was looking for me. My face was slightly flushed from the red wine. "Ohhhh, you're in trouble Jenny!!" the whole room cheered teasingly as I went with him (We were still a fairly new couple at the time). When I was out, he said quietly, "You drank." It sounded more like a statement than a question. "Err.. yeah. Just a little. Just to celebrate Rosie's birthday, you know." Then, he looked at me, still with that serious-looking face and said, "Come with me." Then he held my hand and walked me to where he wanted to bring me. On our way, he suddenly asked, "Are you hungry?" "Not really," I replied. It seemed his face became a bit more serious that it already was. He did this thing with his lips that he always does - it's a little hard to describe, it all happens really fast... he sorta bites his bottom lip and slides his bottom lip from right to left... ah, nevermind.

image source: http://eleanorhardwick.com/

We reached the recreation lounge - a place in the school with plenty of tables and chairs, a pool table and a vending machine. A bunch of his friends were seated round a table, actually, two tables... there were quite a few of them so they had to join two tables together and pull up the chairs from the other tables to gather round. Seems like they were having a mini party of their own. Two big pots were set on the table and they were all happily eating out of the bowls in their hands. Everyone smiled as they saw us approach. I felt so shy meeting all his friends... of course I'd seen them around school, and we'd hung out before too... but it just felt so weird at that moment... him bringing me into their little party. It almost felt like I was intruding, somehow.

"Come eat!" one of his friends started ladling the contents of one of the pots into a bowl for me. No prizes for guessing right, it was... wanton soup! It turns out that Jack had kept in mind that I had a craving for wanton suppe so that afternoon, he'd suggested to his friends to cook something that day, in particular, wanton soup. The other pot contained green bean soup, another one of my favourites. He and his friends had spent the entire afternoon and evening buying all the ingredients and preparing and cooking the food in the students' kitchen.

image source: http://dearoly.blogspot.com/

Frankly, I'd almost forgotten all about my prattle those nights before. Later that night, while we were once again lying in bed, talking, he told me why they'd cooked that night... because they never did cook, you see. Then I remembered and when I realised, I was soooo touched! My heart was leaping with happiness. I think I also figured out the reason for his serious-looking face: he was worried that after eating and drinking at Rosie's mini birthday party, I wouldn't have any more appetite for the wanton soup he and his friends had prepared (for me - even though his friends didn't exactly know that! Haha!)... which was true in a sense, but I'd made myself to eat as much as I could anyway. But in retrospect, he always had a very serious face whenever he was going to surprise me. I think it's his way of covering up his embarrassment... how cute is that, isn't it? :D

I'll leave you with this song (I feel like a DJ) that I'm currently addicted to... I've been unable to stop nanana-ing the tune even at the dinner table. Yes, while eating... My mom, was surprisingly, not irritated. Perhaps I sing well! Nah, I'm just kidding... I think she's just used to my irritating her.

Farm Dance

I've always been intrigued by the memories I have of this one guy I met in high school.

image source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/maryjanes856/

I'm definitely the neurotic type that thinks too much so I often wonder whether he was sending me the signals or was I just reading too much into nothing? To anyone reading this: Please tell me. Please tell me I wasn't making a mountain out of a no-hill (not even a mole-hill, as the saying should go). Please tell me that my love/like/interest-signal radar is not impaired. Please tell me I'm not some desperado wanting it to be something so bad that I read nothing as something. I frequently think I am an idiot for thinking that a guy likes/d me because nothing actually comes/came out of it ('it' referring to the signals I thought he was sending me) in the end, i.e. he never actually confessed and he never tried to go after me or anything, that there I was thinking that he actually liked me and was eventually going to do something about it when in fact, he did/was not! ARGH! That's why I now always tell myself to think that no guy likes me until he actually says/does something about it.

So anyway... about this guy. Okay, see, I used to play tennis in high school and there is this viewing gallery above where the tennis courts are and I noticed that the viewing gallery had become his most recent favourite hangout... might I add, during my tennis training sessions. Well, ok. I suppose I couldn't know that, but still..! I noticed him always hovering around the viewing gallery whenever I was training there and he'd be looking down at us (or me?) training. The thing is, I never exactly dared to look up at him... I didn't want to make it seem like I had noticed him there. Of course, that doesn't stop me from being extra graceful on court, while acting uberly serious about training. The second thing was that, at the time, there were only two girls in the tennis team - we used to train with both the boys' and girls' teams together. So... I mean, you could very well say he might've been interested in the other girl. That's definitely a possibility of course. But okay, here's the more important part that drives me particularly crazy!!!!

There was this one particular physical ed. lesson that we had that our teachers found much joy in thinking that they should teach us farm dancing. Well, see, the thing is, him and me: we're from different classes. And it just so happened that our physical ed. lesson falls in the same period. Normally, we'd have our physical ed. lessons in our own classes since there were enough teachers for each of them to take a class. But that one physical ed. lesson: the teachers had decided to make it a combined class in which they'd teach us how to farm dance.

image source: http://melissaeastondesign.com/blog/

For this farm dance, we had to form an inner circle and an outer circle, with girls and boys alternating each other in other circles. During the dance, the inner circle had to dance with the outer circle and the arrangement was such that we should always partner someone of the opposite sex. But then again, not always... I think because there was a disproportionate number of boys as compared to girls, with boys > girls. Therefore, there were instances where boys would end by partnering boys. So, then, we had to learn this simple dance routine, at the end of which, we'd switch places such that the entire inner circle would turn (anti-)clockwise and the entire outer circle would turn in the opposite direction.

So anyway, he was still a certain number of people away. And because the inner and outer circles were going in opposite directions, there was no certainty that we'd actually meet: firstly, because of the disproportionate number of boys and girls and the fact that we'd always miss dancing with the person standing diagonally opposite us (I hope I'm not confusing you, but then again, I don't think the technicalities of it is very vital in comprehending the story). With that in mind, I started counting... Would I meet him..?

Then the weird part comes... Before I managed to be done with counting, he suddenly asked to change places with one of the guys. At this point, I think it is necessary to give a little background introduction about Keith (the main character in my story) - with his tall, lanky built, a hint of muscles (basically, muscles which are not the over-developed kind, which I absolutely cannot stand), a boyish (yet a little mischievous-looking) face coupled with soft-looking hair that he had used styling wax to style into soft spikes (a very trendy hairstyle then being sported by the boys in the school) in order to complete the boyish look, he was considered one of the most good-looking and popular guys in school. But he was, I must add, a tad intimidating to those who were "not on equal status as him". With this, you could probably guess that the guy changed places with him without question. But I was rather puzzled because this obviously meant there was a certain girl he was wanting to dance with and I was thinking that a guy of his stature would never do something so overt to dance with the girl he was interested in. Anyhoo, what I was more interested in was... who was this girl? Was it me? So I proceeded back to counting if we would get to partner each other, and then I realised we wouldn't! I was pretty disappointed... But then! Guess what? He, too, realised that he had somehow counted wrongly the first time round, this was evident because he actually muttered out loud (but not too loud that everyone could hear), "damn it! wrong position!" and then he asked to change places again. This time, the guy gave him a weird look before changing places with him. So.... what does that mean?!?!?!?! Could it really be me he was wanting to dance with? Well, till today, I have no clue. It could have been any other girl that he danced with during the lesson...

image source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/circolovizioso/

Well, anyway, we did meet. And sooooo... we were holding hands waiting for the music to start. Fate had it that this time, the player was having problems starting so we were waiting longer than usual for the music to begin. And during this time, I kept looking everywhere else except at him... pretending it was no big deal that he was my partner and that we were holding hands!!! Gawsh... my heart is racing even as I'm recounting this story. Then, he did something really weird, he looked at me. I mean, he really looked at me, bringing his face closer to mine and looking at me with a half-, I don't know, smirk? It was like, the right corner of his mouth was slanted upwards and his eyes were gleaming with a sort of playfulness and mischief. Ohmilord, I was so nervous and very very self-conscious, but I pretended to be annoyed, "What!" I exclaimed. "Nothing," he said, still with that half-smile/smirk on his face.

And then the music finally begun. And we were dancing... 'Left, step, left, step, kick, Right, step, right, step, kick.....' "Why do you keep kicking?" he asked. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed or happy or annoyed, but I replied indignantlly, "We are supposed to kick up our leg at the end." "No, we're not!" And so we spent the next few minutes bickering at the end of which I gave an exasperated sigh and said, "Fine!" and then it was time to change partners...

image source: left,  http://www.flickr.com/photos/brittaniagardenphotoart/; right, http://www.flickr.com/photos/thecrazyguppyfish/

That was the first and last time we ever spoke. After this incident, he still always came to the viewing gallery during my tennis sessions... but shortly after, we moved our sessions to another part of the school, with no viewing gallery this time. In addition, the viewing gallery at the original courts were fairly near to the basketball courts where he would have his basketball training. But there was simply no reason for him to go to that other part of the school. And so guys, the story ends. I'm sorry for the anti-climax, but come on, I think we should be feeling even more sorry for me, no?

So anyway, tell me! Were those the signs? Was I reading it wrong? Was he even remotely interested? See, these questions have been plaguing my mind since, forever. I've never dared to tell anyone because... well, how could I ever dream that one of the most good-looking guys in school would be interested in me? It would be wayyyy too embarrassing to confide this in anyone. Moreover, my friends and I used to talk about him and his group of friends being too arrogant just because they thought there were a good-looking bunch. How could I seem to be on his side, right? Ah welll... Signs or no, nothing happened. So perhaps I should stop thinking about it.

First Post

Well, I haven't blogged in such a long long time. I'm so glad I finally decided to get down to doing this again. It was really great to blog, that is, when I used to blog. It was really therapeutic.

Why'd I stop? Well... I guess I got busy? Or perhaps you could even say that it was because I thought I'd found "the one" to pour my heart out to: our conversations were my blog posts and he was my only reader. Wasn't too bad, really. Except that he wasn't really "the one" and sometimes now, I find that I have no one to talk to. Gawsh... how pathetic does that sound!

Ah well, whether anyone ends up reading this or not, I guess sometimes just writing down your thoughts will make you feel all better. And perhaps after putting it out there, I'd stop being neurotic about these thoughts that keep swimming around my head and that blocks out the acquisition of new information (my excuse for my lack of concentration and incessant self-obsession).

So there ya have it, my reasons for starting this blog..!